Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone!
by Anonymous Pyro
Summary: The title says it all...the final chapter awaits you...
1. Default Chapter! (I just like the sound ...

I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this, I just woke up one morning and thought "Hey! What if Dilly had to pass a kidney stone!" I guess I though that it would be funny to put a character like Dilandau in such an uncomfortable position.

Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone!

'It has been a horrible day so far' Dilandau thought to himself as he walked towards the _vione's_ infirmary. First his flamethrower had run out of fuel, then he had been forced into a long conversation with Folken, and now he was feeling sharp pains in his abdomen. Overall it was a horrible day for Dilandau. He stepped into the infantry and walked into one of the examination rooms in the back. The physician, who had been scared to death thinking about treating Dilandau for something, walked into the room after a few minutes of contemplating running away. "What took you so long?" Dilandau yelled (Luckily for the physician Dilandau was only slightly annoyed) "I…I'm very sorry for the wait sir" the physician stammered "Uhm…So what has been troubling you sir?" "I have been having strange…pains…in my abdomen" Dilandau said after a pause. "Don't worry sir, I will examine you and we will run some tests, I am sure that it will be nothing serious"

*Author's note* Now we will skip ahead a bit…Partly because I am lazy and partly because the next few paragraphs would have been about how the physician tried to get Dilly to allow him to "examine" him, also how they would have fought Dilly to make him wear one of those weird medical gowns while they took x-rays of him (Do they even have those in Gaea????)

After a long struggle and many threats on the physician and his staff's lives, the tests were finished and the results had come back. "We now know the reason for your pain sir" said a new physician (The other had been severely burned…) "What is it?" Dilandau asked, a slight tinge of fear in his voice "You will be happy to know that it is nothing more than a kidney stone that you are passing" the physician said reassuringly "WHAT!?" Dilandau screamed "What do you mean 'I am passing', You are going to something about this right NOW!"

The physician, who recalled that he had seen the blackened form of the previous physician rolled out of the room, gulped and stammered "B…believe me sir I would do something if I could…But there is nothing that I can do" Dilandau grabbed an oxygen tank (ready to fashion a crude flamethrower) but then he recalled that this was the only other physician on the _vione _ "Then what am I supposed to do?" Dilandau asked "The only thing that you can do is wait and pass……" before he could finish his sentence Dilandau had torched him.

As he walked back to his chamber, Dilandau couldn't help but to think to himself 'Why does this have to happen to me?'. Sitting in his chamber he let out a whimper as his pain suddenly intensified "What did I do to deserve this!" he said aloud. Folken, who had been walking by, heard this and chuckled to himself. 'whatever it is that is bothering him' he thought as he heard Dilandau's muffled sobs, 'it is going to make this week interesting'

Well that is it for the first chapter, Next time on DPAKS serious questions will be answered, questions like, Will Dilandau pass his stone successfully?, Will Folken make fun of him?, Will the Dragonslayers find out? If you want to know the answers to these and many other questions please send me some reviews. Until next time!

*Note: I do not own Escaflowne…things would be a lot different if I did. Examples: No scar on Dilly, No evil sorcerers taking Dilly away, Overall more Dilly, etc…..


	2. Chapter Two! (I love to use my imaginati...

Sooooo…Come crawling back for more huh? *The only person who might take the time to read this starts to hit the "back" button* NO! NO! Wait I didn't mean it! I even funnied this chapter up a bit! You are here anyway why not just keep reading? Good! Enjoy the fic! *under breath* heh..heh…suckers…heh…heh……

Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone! 

Folken took a step closer to Dilandau's door, knocked, and called "Are you having a problem Dilandau?" "No" Dilandau squeaked before clearing his throat and issuing a more stable "No". "Good" Folken said as he stifled his laughter "By the way, I want you to come to me and give me your report for this week in an hour" "Yes commander" Dilandau choked out before another wave of pain took him. Folken, remembering that both of the _Vione's_ physicians had suffered severe burns earlier, headed towards the infirmary to find out exactly what was wrong with Dilandau so that he could take full advantage of it later.

"Great, just great" Dilandau thought as he stiffly got up. It was time to go and give the Dragon Slayers their orders for the day. Dilandau carefully made his way to the their station, sighed and walked in. The Dragon Slayers immediately rose and saluted their beloved leader as he entered the room. "We are doing things differently today" Dilandau stated careful not to let his pain show "Chesta, you are in charge of training today" and before the shocked Dragon Slayer could say a word Dilandau cut him off "That is all" he said as he turned and left the room.

"What was that all about?" Gatti asked Chesta who was still in shock "Well…I guess we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth" Miguel said "Sooooo…" Guimel said as he patted Chesta on the back "What are our orders, leader?" Chesta snapping out of his state of shock yelled "FREE DAY!!" The other Dragon Slayers cheered "As long as you don't let Dilandau see you" Chesta added as an afterthought. "I am going to do my hair!" Miguel said as he looked in a mirror, "I am going to find a way to make people remember my face AND name!" Viole exclaimed (You know, he is the one with the purple hair) "I am going to count my sheep!" Guimel announced happily. The other Dragon Slayers made equally moronic and disturbing statements as they walked off quite pleased with themselves.

Having taken care of his Dragon Slayers for the day, Dilandau continued on his way to Folken's chamber. He stepped up to the large doors and knocked saying "It's me" "Enter" Folken answered. As Dilandau stepped into the room he looked around, noticed the chair that was to be for him, and immediately new that he was being mocked. Folken watched as Dilandau's eyes stopped on the chair that Folken had chosen for the occasion. He chuckled to himself for it happened to be the most uncomfortable chair on the _Vione_. Dilandau scowled at Folken as he went to the chair and sat down, slowly and carefully of course. 

"So how have things been sitting with you Dilandau?" Folken asked making sure to keep his face emotionless "I am sure that you know" Dilandau snapped, He knew that Folken had this all planned out and that to try and hide the truth would be pointless. "Oh?" Folken said as he crossed his legs. Dilandau glared at him for this was a feat that he had been unable to perform for several days now. "Well, start your report" Folken said and Dilandau launched into his report, grateful to have something to take his mind off of his predicament. Folken, although he still kept his characteristic straight face, was laughing on the inside as he watched Dilandau squirm in his seat and gasp every so often. "And that is…" Dilandau stopped to grind his teeth for a moment "…My report, sir" he finished. 

"Very well" Folken said dismissing Dilandau who got up to leave "Oh, and Dilandau" Folken said as Dilandau began to open the door "I know that things must be hard for you, but don't worry…it will pass" Dilandau turned back to look at Folken blind with rage and pain, but if he hadn't been he would have seen Folken's eyebrows rise a centimeter and the slightest smile play at the corners of his lips (This would have been the most emotion that Dilandau had ever seen on Folken's face). But Dilandau, too angry and embarrassed to speak just turned and left the room. Folken, once he was sure that Dilandau was gone did the unspeakable…He laughed out loud.

"How DARE he!" Dilandau said aloud as he made his way towards the medical bay. He was so angry that he didn't see Chesta walking towards him. "Oh! Sir! I was just passing through on my way to…." Chesta began "And just what in the hell is THAT supposed to mean!?" Dilandau screamed at the Dragon Slayer who cringed "I…I was only…" Chesta started but Dilandau who had started to feel a spasm of pain turned and walked away before Chesta could finish explaining (He must have really been hurting because he didn't slap Chesta!)

'The new physician will know what to do…He had better!' Dilandau thought as he stalked towards the infirmary. He once again entered one of the exam rooms in the back. After a short wait the new physician walked in. Dilandau was shocked and embarrassed to see that the new physician was female. 'How could this happen?' he thought, speaking about his problem was hard enough when the physician was a male. "Whoever did this is going to pay' he thought angrily before realizing that Folken had been the one to request the new medical officer. 'Damn him' He thought as a knot that had formed n his stomach upon seeing the new physician added to his discomfort.

The physician looked him up and down, "How has the pain been?" she asked in a cheerful voice. "Excruciating" Dilandau replied sarcastically but in the same cheery tone of voice. "Well that won't do" she said thoughtfully as though she hadn't noticed Dilandau's sarcasm. "Well, there is one thing that we can try" she said finally "What?, anything to be rid of this agony!" Dilandau said eagerly. "Well, we can use this tool…" she said as she pulled out what looked like a long metal tube with a bulb on the end "…to extract the stone from you" she finished

This sounded like a good idea to Dilandau, that is until the truth as to where that tube would have to be inserted to get to the stone hit him. Dilandau paled noticeably (which would have to be a heck of a lot for you to notice!) "Y…You would have to stick that thing into me?" Dilandau asked fearfully "Yes, and I won't lie to you" she said as she looked at the tube "It would be extremely painful, but…" She looked up to see that Dilandau had already left the room.

I hope that you have enjoyed this installment of DPAKS. Next time!: Will Dilandau undergo the painful procedure? Or will he wait and pass the stone himself? Find out next time on DPAKS. (Do I write like a TV. show announcer or what?) Until next time!

*Note: I do not own Escaflowne…You should know that for if I did own Esca there would be no Van Fanal and Dilly-Sama would be king!


	3. Chapter Three! (See a pattern yet?)

I am glad that somebody has come back for another round of DPAKS (by the way thanks for the reviews, keep then coming!). I must admit that this isn't the best chapter, but I hope that you will still find it to be enjoyable. Well forgive me for my rambling (we all know that I just use this space to make the word count higher) Enjoy the fic!

Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone!

Dilandau moped on his way back to his chamber. He kept weighing his choices in his mind. 'Wait and bear this unspeakable torment for who knows how much longer or let the physician remove the source of my pain by…by…' Dilandau shuddered at the thought. Naturally after dwelling on such thoughts Dilandau was considerably depressed by the time he got to his room.

He sat down on the plush sofa located in his room and, feeling pain grip him once again, he decided to do the only thing that he could do, he cried. 'Why' he thought "So what if I burned a few kingdoms?" he said between sobs "Those people never had to suffer like this". Dilandau then, after ceasing to cry, tried to focus his mind on good things like flamethrowers, dancing on Van's grave, and slapping his Dragon Slayers, this gave him enough peace to rest and he soon fell into a fitful sleep.

Dilandau found himself walking with Folken as they made their weekly inspection of the _Vione. _As they walked Dilandau realized that he had to use the restroom more and more. He tried to ignore the feeling though, as he had been doing for the last few days, for he found that this had so far caused him the most anguish. "Why don't you cut it out and just go and use the restroom already" Folken said for he was sick of watching Dilandau squirm around in a desperate attempt to hold it in. "What are you talking about?" Dilandau asked still unable to hold still "That's it" Folken said, he was truly annoyed now "I want you to go and use the bathroom or whatever and then come back so that we can finish our inspection!" "Nooooo" Dilandau whined "It hurts and I don't want to!" Folken sighed "Do I have to make that an order?" Dilandau scowled at the Strategeos then turned to head towards the nearest facilities. 

He gulped as he entered the restroom and feeling his familiar pain he decided that he would rather leave and face Folken's wrath then stay and relieve himself. As he turned to walk out he saw that the door had shut "What the?" he started as he tried to open the door only to find that it wouldn't budge. Dilandau, becoming alarmed, beat on the door "Folken! Somebody! Help, let me out!" he called but received no answer.

Then he heard a noise behind him, he turned and to his horror three sorcerers stepped out of one of the stalls. "We are here to relieve you of your problem" One of the sorcerers said as the other two grabbed Dilandau and strapped him to an oh so familiar stretcher. "No! Please! Wait, stop!" Dilandau cried as the lead sorcerer pulled out a long metal tube. "No! No please! Dilandau screamed as the sorcerers closed in "AHHHHhhhhhhh!!"

Dilandau sat up to find that he was on his couch, sweaty and disheveled he went to wash his face "Just a dream" he sighed as he looked in a mirror. *Author's note: Ha! I bet you didn't expect that dream sequence! Muhahahaha! What? You say that I just ran out of good ideas and that the week transition tipped you off anyways? I thought I had you going…Thanks a lot dream wrecker…* "I have got to pull myself together" Dilandau said as he poured himself a glass of wine. "I can't take much more of this…" he trailed off as he once again went to weighing his choices.

To tell you the truth I wrote this chapter because I couldn't decide what to have happen to Dilly. I find both of his choices to be very funny and I don't know which one to use. Send some reviews and vote for which one Dilly shall endure. If you don't I will be forced to flip a coin…Until Next Time!

Note: I do not own Escaflowne, you can tell because the sorcerers and Dornkirk exist in the show, also there is no Albatounia where Dilly is king. 


	4. Chapter Four! (I just love to use exclai...

I ended up flipping a coin after all…But who cares! As long as I didn't have to choose I am happy. This is the second to last chapter…I hope you enjoy!

Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone!

"I can't take this anymore!" Dilandau announced to the world as he stalked out of his room. He had put up with his suffering for another week now, hoping that it would come to an end on its own accord, but it was not to be. "So be it" he said angrily to himself as he headed once again towards the _Vione's _infirmary. 'I will do this' he thought to himself slowing his pace a little as he thought of what was to come. 'Besides, What is the worst that could happen? And what pain could be worse than this?' he thought as he came to a stop. He pictured the physicians face in his mind, he remembered that she had seemed kind and happy…maybe a little TOO happy he thought after a while. 

Dilandau recalled his dream and a shiver ran through his body, 'Maybe I should give it another day' he decided abruptly and turned to head back to his room. So deep in thought was he that he didn't realize Folken was behind him and he ran right into the strategeos. "What the…Why are you following me?" Dilandau demanded, more than a little annoyed. "You ran into me, and what makes you think that I was following you?" Folken asked. Of course in truth he HAD been following Dilandau to see if he would actually go through with it and he was going to make sure that Dilandau didn't end up frying the physician. Dilandau glared at Folken who ignored the look and asked "So are you headed to the infirmary? I think it would be a good idea considering you have been locked up in your room all week, the Dragon Slayers are getting out of hand without you"

*scene cuts to the dragon slayers quarters* 

"WhoooHoo!, look at me! I'm Dilandau!" Gatti yelled as he tool a drink of wine (they had found some of Dilandau's stash) and slapped Miguel who had been standing nearby. The other Slayers laughed, all except for Chesta who was bound and gagged in a corner. He had tried to tell the other Slayers that something was wrong with their beloved leader and that it was their job to try and help, but the other Slayers would have none of it and had tied him up after he had continued to bother them. They continued to laugh and party as they had been for the past week, oblivious to the fact that Dilandau was suffering through the biggest dilemma of his life.

*back with Dilandau and Folken*

"You have to do something about them" Folken finished but he got the feeling that Dilandau hadn't been listening. 'That's it' Folken thought, 'Sure things were amusing at first, but now things are getting out of hand and there is only one thing to do' Folken took a deep breath flexed his arms and proceeded to pick up Dilandau and carry him to the infirmary. "What are you doing you idiot!!?" Dilandau screamed "PUT ME DOWN!!" "This is in your best interest Dilandau" Folken answered calmly "If I don't help you no one will" He said as he carried the kicking, screaming Dragon Slayer into the infirmary. Folken took Dilandau into one of the rooms in the back where he put him down and blocked the door.

"You let me out of here you cyborg freak!" Dilandau yelled as he threw himself at Folken trying desperately to get out the door. "Why don't you just sit down, things will be moving along nicely soon" Folken said as he shoved Dilandau away from the door. After a few more vain attempts to get by Folken, Dilandau realized that it was a hopeless cause and sat down. Shortly after this the physician (who I will call 'Laura') entered the room. "I am glad you have decided to go through with this sir" Laura said as she looked at Dilandau "You will be very relieved when this is all over" she finished as she began to rummage through a drawer. Laura then pulled out one of those papery hospital gowns and handed it to Dilandau "Remove your clothes and put this on, I will be back in a few minutes" she said as she walked out of the room. 

Dilandau threw the gown across the room, crossed his arms, and growled "never". Folken who had been about to leave turned suddenly and did what he felt was necessary, he threatened Dilandau. "Listen," Folken started as he stared at Dilandau "You are going to put that on and cooperate with EVERYTHING that the doctor has to say," He took a breath "OR I am going to come in here and MAKE you comply, and believe me you don't want me to be the one to do this" Folken said as he held up his metal arm, Dilandau whimpered at the thought and immediately picked up the gown "I am glad that you understand" Folken said as he turned to leave the room "And remember I said everything, I don't want there to be any trouble" and with that Folken left the room.

Forgive me but I am enjoying myself too much!, I wanted one more chapter. But don't worry, the next one will be the conclusion. I would like to thank everyone for the reviews! And again I would like to state that I love Dilly to death…I just like to tease him in my fics. Until Next Time!

*Note: I do not own Escaflowne…You know there would be no real plot if I did…


	5. Conclusion! (How is that for a change?)

Well, it has finally come to an end. What started out as a strange thought has turned into quite an enjoyable experience. For a final time thanks to all those who sent reviews. As for this final chapter, I read several medical books this morning (it was one a.m. so don't blame me if I get some things wrong!). I hope my depiction stays accurate. Also, I know that this could have been better but I hope you find it to be enjoyable anyways. Well, enjoy the fic!

Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone!

Dilandau stared at the gown. 'It would burn so easily' Dilandau thought as a maniacal smile (you know the one!) began to spread on his face. But for once Dilandau stopped to think of the consequences, and the thought of Folken and his mechanical arm "assisting" in the procedure snapped Dilandau back to reality. Dilandau sighed and began to undress. Once he had the paper garment on, he remembered just how much he hated it. The way there wasn't enough of the gown to truly cover him, the way it was open in the back, the way it was so flammable yet he couldn't burn it…

A spasm of pain brought Dilandau back from his ravings. There was a knock at the door, Dilandau didn't answer. He just sat there in his paper gown realizing that he was suddenly feeling VERY self conscious. The knock was heard again and this time it was accompanied by the sound of Laura's voice. "Are you alright? Can I come in?" Dilandau, cursing the fact that he knew Folken had to be hanging around outside still, got over his embarrassment and said "You may enter" in the most stable voice he could muster. Laura walked in and took a good look at Dilandau saying "Good your ready" Dilandau swallowed hard and took a side long glance at an oxygen tank that someone had carelessly left within twenty feet of him…'It would be so simple to start a fire' he thought longingly, but then shook his head as an image of Folken appeared in his mind.

Dilandau just then realized that Laura had been talking to him. "I know you must be scar…ahem…I mean unnerved about this" she said catching herself before making a mistake "But don't worry, it will all be over soon" Dilandau just stared at the physician as she prepared. "Well" Laura said finally "Lets get things moving" Dilandau watched with a look of horror on his face as Laura lay her cytoscope and other tools on a table beside him. (I am assuming that they have these in Gaea, I'd be kind of stuck plot-wise if they didn't) "Now sir, if you will please lay down on your back we can begin" Dilandau, who was shivering despite himself, lay back on the examination table "Good" Laura said reassuringly as she finished putting her gloves on. All Dilandau could think of was how much he wanted to burn this woman and run out of the room. Laura then put some antiseptic on a cotton ball and proceeded to clean the area, much to Dilandau's discomfort. 

"Not so bad huh?" she asked in a sweet voice as she began to rub a lubricant on the cytoscope. "I swear you will burn if you dare hurt me" Dilandau said suddenly, this statement caught Laura by surprise "Uh…Of course" she said nervously, not knowing how to proceed. Then remembering that Folken had promised her safety, Laura began to maneuver the freshly lubed cytoscope into place. 'Damn, I thought that would stop her for sure' Dilandau thought with a shudder as he felt the cold metal tool being pressed against him. "Just relax" Laura said soothingly, Dilandau immediately tensed 'How does she expect me to relax?' he thought miserably 'Damn that Folken! He will pay for this' Dilandau fumed, His anger causing him to forget his present situation to a degree. Laura, who had been waiting, noticed that Dilandau had ceased purposefully tensing himself and seeing her chance, she jabbed the cytoscope in.

It was said that everyone on the _Vione _heard Dilandau's scream of pain that day. Every single person had ceased what they were doing at that moment to shudder at the horrific sound, and once the echoes from it had faded, no dared to speak of it. And of all those who heard the scream only three people knew the reason behind it. Folken, who had been sitting in the waiting room in case of trouble, found that even he could not help but feel a tinge of pity for the poor Dragon Slayer. Laura, who had been at ground zero and would have a splitting headache for days, Did her best to block out the initial scream and continued to probe for the stone. And Dilandau, who was feeling something that went beyond the term "pain", continued to cry, whimper, and let out an occasional yelp as Laura searched for the stone.

Just when Dilandau thought it was all over for him, Laura let out a triumphant "Yes!" as she removed the stone and the cytoscope, much to Dilandau's relief. "That wasn't so bad" Laura said as she put the troublesome stone into a bag. She was going to point out how funny it was that such a small grain of matter could cause so much agony, but she though better of it as she helped Dilandau to sit. Dilandau said nothing, he was feeling more relieved than he had felt in weeks but at the same time he was feeling more pain than he had ever felt (if that is possible). As Dilandau walked to his room (of course he was walking with a strange bow-legged gait, but no on dared to ask him why) he hoped to see Folken. But Folken, who was no idiot, had left for his room after the echo of Dilandau's screams had died.

Dilandau entered his room, locked the door, and stayed there with an order from the physician that he was to be on bed rest for as long as he felt he needed to be. During this time, Dilandau received two items. The first was a bucket of ice with a note from Folken, Dilandau naturally burned the note…but kept the ice. The second item was the stone that had been removed from him, Dilandau stared at this for quite some time, it had caused him such unspeakable pain. In the end though he did what he does to all things that bother him, he burned it (you knew he would!).

Epilogue 

After several days of icing himself down and resting, Dilandau was back to his old self much to the dismay of most of the _Vione's _occupants. His first order of business had been to burn the infirmary, which he did gleefully. Next he went in search of Folken, only to find that the Strategeos had conveniently left on some business 'Oh well' Dilandau thought to himself 'He can't hide forever'. And finally Dilandau went to sort out his Dragon Slayers, who each got a hard slap to the face and the promise that their lives would be a living hell until he decided to forgive them for disobeying orders. "Ah…" Dilandau said as he watched the Dragon Slayer flinch as his gaze passed over them and how he could walk back and forth without pain "…this is what life is all about" he said contentedly as he sat down and crossed his legs.

I hope you enjoyed my fic (this was my first one you know). I loved writing it and hope to write many more in the future. If you have any ideas about other strange medical problems that the Esca cast could suffer through please let me know, a friend of mine suggested 'Allen on Viagra' but I am not sure if anyone wants to go there…Well in the immortal words of Vash the Stampede (I do not own Trigun by the way): "Well, I guess that's all!" 

*Note: I do not own Escaflowne…I mean come on when was the last time Esca had a plot as strange as Dilandau Passes a Kidney Stone?.


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